Well… here it is. This is the blog I’ve been putting off for months. This is the blog I haven’t wanted to write, and it’s been so difficult to put into words all that has been happening since January. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve started to write this and have only gotten a few words in..
As you all know, I came home in late January from Vietnam due to some medical issues. I was hospitalized in country, in a hospital where no one spoke English with intestinal issues. It was terrifying, but the Lord provided for me by giving me friends there that wouldn’t leave my side & by getting me home safely a few days later. When I left Vietnam, I had every intention of going home to heal and then returning to the mission field.
“It’s okay to grieve a life that could not be.”
I felt with my whole heart that the Lord was calling me to go on the World Race, and I chased after that calling wholeheartedly. With that being said, I still believe that I was called. However, you can imagine my confusion when I felt the Lord calling me to leave the Race early. I was so frustrated and I didn’t understand. This is the rhetoric I had with God when making this decision.
“Why God? I have fundraised almost $20,000 for this. YOU provided that money for me. I have already traveled to 4 countries, why wouldn’t I finish? I have formed such close bonds with these people, God. Please don’t ask me to leave them. I don’t even know where I fit in back home now. I’m scared to leave the field. I won’t have my entire squad doing this with me, no one else will understand. Please, God. I don’t want to be a quitter. I committed to this- how would that make me look? What will all my supporters think? Come on… I can go back. I won’t get sick again. I can do it.”
No matter how much I fought Him on this, I knew what I needed to do. One day I was listening to a podcast and they started talking about the story in Mark where Jesus heals a demon possessed man, and all he wanted to do was follow Jesus around the world and witness about all He had done. I related to this so much. Traveling to various countries and telling others what Jesus has done in my life was such an incredible experience for me.
But what really struck me was what Jesus said in response to this man. You can read it here:
“As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.””
-Mark 5:18-19
I remember sitting there thinking, “Woah. He’s calling me to stay. This can’t be real.”
I was looking for a sign and THERE IT WAS. Not only was it clear that this was a sign from God, but also I had been to doctors appointment after doctors appointment, and I still was sick. A month had gone by and my body still wasn’t ready to leave again. Living in other countries, and especially eating & drinking there is hard on your body— no matter how careful you are. I had been sick in one way or another every month on the race, so 7 more months of that could have been extremely detrimental to my health. So, after considering all of this, I made my final decision to stay.
That was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make. Not only was the decision tough, but the months to follow were even tougher. Re-entry is no joke. Immersing yourself in other cultures and then returning to the States feels so strange. It’s hard to explain, honestly. I didn’t know where I fit in anymore. I came home to a new state, I didn’t have my friends near me, and I was a different person.
This has without a doubt, been one of the loneliest times of my life. It has felt like a season of wilderness, so to speak. But the Lord has been so present & so near to me in all of it. I’ve learned so much over the past four months. I have been learning what it looks like to truly depend on the Lord and trust in His provision. I am much healthier now, and I am getting back to normal- FINALLY. I have been learning how to step into ministry back home & in my every day life. Because that’s what it’s all about, right? I have learned how to have grace for myself and my situation.
Wow, what a time it’s been. I am thankful for the struggles, and for this season of preparation as I start grad school in the fall! Masters in Counseling, here I come! I’m so excited.
Thank you all for your support through this amazing season, I truly couldn’t have done it without you. I will be transitioning to a new blog soon, so this is a farewell to my World Race journey. I’ll forever be thankful. So much love.
Xoxo,
B
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